


Heart of Frost

by Starkspectacular



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Engineer Tony, F/M, Fluff, FrostIron - Freeform, Graphic Depicitions of Illness, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, MIT setting, Mentions of Cancer, Modern AU, Pain, Sexual Content, Sickness, Swearing, bad language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-14
Updated: 2013-10-26
Packaged: 2017-12-14 23:44:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/842805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starkspectacular/pseuds/Starkspectacular
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony Stark met the man he loved in 2008. Loki was a professor and a lecturer in astronomy and he'd intended to stay at MIT where Tony worked as a teacher for a few months. All of that changed when Tony caught the attention of Loki, and after that they have been inseparable. One night at a friends wedding they gave into each other, and now in 2013 they uncover hardships that will test them to the very limits, destroy them then rebuild them again. This could be the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lecture me, teach me

Being a teacher at MIT hadn’t been his original plan at all, and for a young teacher he’d been lucky to gain such a good placement so early on in his life. It paid well, he had a good job, a stable bunch of friends, his classes were passing and all in all his life was great, really. He worked for both the programming and engineering section of the institute, teaching in the fields he loved to pass on his knowledge to whoever was willing to learn. The brightest members of his class were always his favourites. Those that didn’t need help, those that finished on time, even those that were too young to even be there. They reminded him of himself and how he’d graduated at 17 from the place, of how instantly they’d offered him a running job working as a technician close by. He’d trained to become a teacher, and there he was.

In one of the other buildings that specified in astrological planning the science of space and a lot of other things he didn’t want to get into, there was rumor of a guest lecturer coming all the way from London. His name was Loki Laufeyson, and even Tony had heard of him and his papers on the astronomical importance of certain aspects of space. The guy was smart, sure, but Tony was sure he could outsmart him. It had started off with interest, nothing more than that, and involved Tony going to listen to one of the lectures in a hall that was equip to show large slide shows with so many images from space. And Loki spoke fluently, with hand gestures and a voice that had the rapt attention of everyone within the room. He had them eating out of his hand, and when he asked questions many hands would shoot up to answer as quick as they could. Tony? Tony just listened and watched with interest. He soaked up the information like a sponge, his eyes pinned upon the young professor the whole time.

Three weeks after he’d been listening to each lecture in turn, Loki had approached him.

“Mister Stark, I didn’t know you had any interest in my field.” That smooth voice had said as Tony had left the hall. It had been an ambush, he knew it. Loki knew the game, he wanted to play.

“Never have, not really. Space isn’t that interesting to me.” Tony had responded with a resounding shrug, though his eyes stayed upon those eyes that stared back. They were green, the colour of light shining through leaves in spring. Tony hadn’t noticed before, he’d only ever sat towards the back whereas the rest of his class had chosen to sit close to the front, noticeably eager.

“Well I’ll have to see about changing your mind then, wont I?” Loki said with a soft smile. And then he was gone.

Tony was left standing in the hallway to the building that lead out into the entrance, his mouth opened slightly as he stared after the lecturer. It was strange, the effect this man had upon his so easily. He blamed the accent, so heavily British and smooth. He promised himself that he wouldn’t pursue it anymore, that he’d stop going to Loki’s classes and instead would focus on his own classes. That lasted for all of a week when he noticed that there was an addition to his own. Loki Laufeyson was playing the game. Two more days in which the other had watched, when Tony finally called him upon his bluff and asked him to help clear his desk with the excuse of being late to his next class across in another building. He had an hour, there was no rush at all. But Loki had obliged, so Tony counted it as a victory.

“Did you enjoy the lesson?” Tony asked of the other whom was methodically stacking papers, his long fingers smoothing each piece into line as they tapped across the wooden desk. There was a soft hum in response, and Loki frowned slightly.

“I don’t know what kind of a game you’re playing, Stark, but I intend to win it. I will not be bested by a common engineer.” And then, just like the last time, Loki had slunk off quicker than Tony could have imagined.

Downhearted, Tony left the room in silence and made his way across the halls towards his next class, half of them early, and began to set up his desk and the next presentation he had in store for them. So he was nothing more than a common engineer? Was that an insult to him who had done nothing wrong? He hated it, that he’d let his guard slip so easily around someone he barely knew. Around someone he was dancing intricately with, and the dance was one that turned sour. Before he could sit down to drink his coffee from a thermal mug, his heart heavy, the phone he kept in his breast pocket began to buzz.

[Text: Number unknown] You mustn’t leave your business cards lying around, Mister Stark.

And that was really all it took to kick start something new. He’d replied with a witty comment about being common, and Loki had replied with a line about how he was deeply sorry he’d offended him and that he’d like to make it up to him by taking him out for coffee before their next class that was scheduled at the same time in the afternoon. The class time flew by, he was more energetic than usual and the class seemed to absorb his words easily. It made teaching fun for him, and he was glad of this fact.

They met up outside of Tony’s lecture hall, Loki waiting beside a stand of pamphlets that he was spinning upon its base as if it were the only interesting thing in the world to him at that point. Just as Tony had sidled up beside him with a smirk, Loki had pulled a pamphlet about a space dome from the wrack and tucked it into his shirt pocket, then turned onto Tony and smiled teasingly. They exchanged words, comments, laughed like they’d known each other for years.

At the coffee shop Tony had found out that Loki had a brother, and that he was adopted by the family. He’d adored his mother, got along most of the time with his brother, but he never saw much of his father at all. The brother had taken over a family business of some sorts selling used car parts while Loki had gone to university in London. Tony, in turn, told him that he was an only child, that his father was never really there for him but he loved his mother. He told Loki of how they died when he was seventeen, and how he’d made his way practically on his own since then.

Their conversations were never dull, Tony would listen to Loki speaking so enthusiastically about space and all of the other little things he enjoyed. He’d notice that Loki spoke with his hands a lot, just as he had in lectures and maybe he’d drop off a little as he spoke. He was happy to just watch Loki speak enthusiastically about the things he was passionate about. Tony would speak of mechanics and engineering, of computers and his ambition to create a super intelligent system, an artificial intelligence so to speak. He’d told Loki about his robot he’d made at 17, the thing that had him graduating at such a young age and of how he was in a lot of tech magazines for such a feat. Loki listened to him as if Tony were speaking from the bible, and he were a religious man on his death bed. It made him happy to know they’d hit it off so easily, and as the coffee break neared to an end, they said their goodbyes and went off each to their lectures. The coffee breaks, lunch breaks, dinners and trips would continue from then on for the year. In the summer they would hang out like old friends, even take a holiday together in England where Tony would meet Loki’s brother, Thor.

Good friends didn’t get on so well. Good friends was a fantasy. Sure, they would argue and complain about each other’s habits. Loki would scorn Tony for his constant sugar cravings and the fact that he couldn’t wake up without at least a gallon of coffee in his system. Tony would counter his complaints with the fact that Loki always had to have opera playing when he showered, or that whenever they shared a hotel room it was Tony that had to take the brunt and kill the cockroaches. Again, their friendship continued for at least another year. And then there it was, in the summer of 2010, they both realised what their supposed friendship was.

It was a wedding that they first kissed passionately. It was awkward and drunken and gropey but the point was that they both enjoyed it, and it had ended up with a hotel room suit being clumsily trashed as they’d stumbled in for the night. Tony had told the groom, an old friend of his named Steve Rodgers, that he needed to leave and that he was congratulating him on his wedding to a young woman named Peggy Rogers now. Steve had clapped him on the back and winked, then wandered off to take his bride to the dance floor where they span in circles giddily. Tony had taken a moment to stare, a small smile upon his face, until he’d felt Loki’s hand within his own to pull him away.

They’d stumbled into their hotel suit, modern and fully furnished, and ended up knocking over a table and the lamp that had accompanied it. The lamp had smashed, but the pair were too wrapped up in their own arms and mouths that they hadn’t taken a break to notice. Tony could remember it clearly, if he closed his eyes.

 

_“You’re sure?” Tony had asked for the fifteenth time, much to Loki’s displeasure._

_“Yes! I’m sure, not take off those bloody trousers before I tear them off.”_

_“God you’re hot when you’re mad…”_

_Both men laughed as Tony fumbled with his button, standing before Loki who was sat upon the bed. Tony stood between his legs and threw off the shirt and the tie, Loki already shirtless by this point. His hands weren’t working fast enough for Loki’s liking, so the man had pushed Tony’s hands away and did the deed himself, revealing Tony to stand bare before his lover._

_They hurriedly shuffled further onto the bed, a single one but it would do, and Tony had rid Loki of his trousers to throw them across the room where they landed next to his own. Clothes had been shed as they had rushed into the room, and he could tell that when they woke up there would be so much to clean. He couldn’t care, he had other things to attend to._

_The rutting started as Tony straddled Loki, rocked his hips into the taller man’s own and created such a delicious friction that both cried out their pleasures. The night was warm, Venice was welcoming and Tony was so sure of himself. The night would be remembered for a very long time._

_Loki leaned up to press his mouth to Tony’s, partially sucking the air from his body as Tony groaned and whimpered, then forced Loki back down to hover above him. He pressed kisses along his cheek, his neck, down his chest and then finally to his abdomen. His tongue trailed wetly, a hand was brought up to ruffle within the dark hair and Tony glanced up to see a sight he wanted to see again and again._

_Loki was lying rather comfortably, his legs spread wide as his stomach and chest rose and fell with rapid breaths. His length stood to attention, heavy and glorious in Tony’s hand. Tony could see Loki’s eyes fluttering, his perfect hair out of place and stuck on ends. He could see beads of sweat beginning to form, but most of all those eyes. Everything else was black and white except those eyes, emerald green and so lovely he had to catch his breath._

_His hand stroked experimentally up the others length, garnering such a melodic groan that he closed his eyes to savour it. Loki was watching him when he next opened his eyes, so strange a look that Tony had no other option but to close those eyes and turn his hand again and again to make those noises sound more often. He made his own orchestra of sounds after he’d requested silently for Loki to suckle on his fingers, to slick them with his wicked tongue that could teach the colours of dust and make it sound interesting. Tony’s hand was next brought to the base of Loki’s length which he massaged gently, across his balls to brush along the sensitive skin of his perineum which had gained such a response from Loki that he did it again and again. His two fingers massaged that spot, leading to such sounds that filled the room with something he wished to hear when he was buried deep within him. But enough with the theatrics, Tony was beginning to ache to the point of pure need. The pad of his first finger pushed against the tight ring of muscle, and Loki called his name brokenly, straining to keep his eyes upon the man._

_“Shh… I’ve got you..” He hushed him, before pushing so gently until he was inside of Loki by one finger. It was hot, compressed and compact. Loki squirmed at the burn and the discomfort, but as Tony began to slowly stroke his insides he relaxed and his noises began to turn into pleasured moans once more. Thrusting began, slow and steady, and Tony worked his finger easily in and out before adding another. A hiss, Loki stilled, but still Tony kept going. He knew that the pleasure would burn hot for a while, pain would outweigh it for a time but it would all be worth it in the end, and this he had to keep telling Loki._

_“Shh, relax, I’m here… I’m here… I can make you feel good, I’ll take care of you, I promise…” Soft hushes and promises filled the stifling air that smelled like sex and sweat. He slowly loosened Loki until it had become pleasurable for the man, until he had Loki rutting down onto his fingers for more, pleading with him for more. Tony had complied and added a third finger which earned him a pleasured howl. Tony sighed in pleasure along with the sound._

_For a few moments Tony did nothing more than stroke both of Loki’s thighs with his hands, lift the other up onto his lap, allowing his hips to rest on his knees while the rest of his body lay sprawled out on the bed. He gave a stuttered breath before grasping Loki’s hips and brushing the head of his length, coated with his own pre-come, against Loki’s entrance. A soft groan is greeted to Tony, and Loki relaxed further into Tony’s grip. He hummed as he pushed himself inside, pausing every now and then to give Loki a chance to adjust to the feeling, to find use of the hard length that was so close to filling him completely. When Tony had pushed himself all of the way inside, they both paused and panted to catch their breaths. Tony rested, chest on chest with the other, slowly coaxing him back to the present by kissing gently up and down his cheeks, his neck, slowly braiding his way down until he couldn’t bend anymore. After a while Loki gave an experimental twitch of his hips that Tony took as a green light._

_The thrusting was light at first, just Tony testing the waters to see what Loki enjoyed most. Turns out that he liked the speed of things, the hurried slap of flesh on flesh as Tony pounded into him relentlessly. But then they were slower, softer at first, long and broad strokes as Tony and Loki kissed themselves senseless._

_It was after a long ride that Tony found Loki’s sweet spot, and the result was instantaneous. Loki bucked up his hips and drew his legs tighter about Tony’s waist, pulling him in further. Tony rewarded him for his sounds by rutting against that spot for a moment, then repeatedly hitting it with each thrust he took until Loki spilled across his own stomach. Tony followed very soon after with the clenching of Loki around his length. It caused a friction he’d only ever dreamed of, caused him to call out Loki’s name in a cry of pure pleasure._

_Ten minutes after their first time, when Tony had released himself from Loki and lain breathlessly on his side facing the other, words came back to them._

_It had taken them both nearly three years to admit their want for each other, it had taken one and a half years for them to kiss at long last and even then it seemed to be more platonic than romantic. Tony had considered it a win, seeing as he was the one to kiss Loki. The look on his face was priceless, like a child had opened a present on Christmas day to reveal his favourite toy from a box shaped like socks. So unexpected and full of shock. So here they were, finally laying side by side in the small bed, tangled around each other as they made snide comments and compliments._

_“Does this mean that you’re finally going to take me on a date?” Tony asked Loki with a grin, whom had simply answered with a soft kiss. It told him all he needed to know…_

A further two years had passed, a total of five since they met. Tony and Loki lived together in a New York apartment with a lot of space at the Top of a Tower designed into apartments. The architecture was brilliant, and Tony had drawn up some designs when they were building it which had granted him the very top space. It was brilliant, life was good. Life couldn’t be any better. 


	2. Where to begin...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not my best, I'm still not 100% happy with it, but I hope it's starting to kick start a few things and will bring about a new meaning to their relationship.

* * *

 

 

“Tony? Did you find the car keys?” Loki called from the bedroom where he was frantically pushing on his suit jacket, simultaneously eating a piece of half burnt toast with butter on both sides.

“I thought you said you’d found them!” Tony called back from the living room as he struggled to tie up his tie in the large mirror on the south wall, right next to the coat rack.

“Why would I say I’ve got the bloody keys?! I asked you to get them!”

“Excuse you, did you even _try_ to look for them?!”

“Check the bloody dish!”

“Why do we HAVE a freaking dish if nobody uses it?”

“How am I supposed to know?”

“They’re not in the dish!”

“Then try the kitchen!”

“What, did you bake them into a cake? Is that what you’re saying?”

“You’re insufferable!”

“And you’re a little shit!”

Days such as these were hectic, quick, and nearly always ended in makeup sex. Well, that was what Tony considered the day to be like, and at least he had that to look forwards to today. It was finals weak, all members of his and Loki’s classes were taking their exams and he had to admit he always got nervous for them. He’d set up websites years ago where they could help each other out, send problems and queries to each other and while it had been a very clear investment that had helped numerous students pass, it clearly wasn’t enough. Tony and Loki were already working after hours as it was, and the stress of these next few weeks would weigh upon them both. It was always the same though, every year, but after they would be free to make up for their lost time. That was something that Tony always looked forwards too.

“I found them!” Tony yelled as his hands hit metal that was shoved between the couch cushions. He dangled the keys in triumph as Loki poked his head around the bedroom door, grinning at him like a cat. “See? I knew they were somewhere. You owe me.”

“Oh, my hero.” Loki said as he pretended to swoon, and Tony couldn’t help but laugh as his lover came forwards and wound his arms around Tony’s waist. Loki dipped his head to press his lips to Tony’s who gave a hum of satisfaction at each little kiss he was given.

Loki was always so soft in the morning, and Tony thought it was because he the tea he always drank hadn’t made its way through his system yet. His own arms rose to join around Loki’s neck, and regrettably he had to stand on the tips of his toes just to comfortably reach Loki, something that always seemed to be the brunt of Loki’s and many others jokes. It was soft, the way Loki pandered to him in this way and Tony lost time again before realising. He broke off with an audible smack of his lips and paused for a mere second, before suddenly-

“Late!” They both said in unison, and suddenly their apartment was a rush once more. Coffee was made in travel mugs, folders and files were clutched to chests and as Tony held the door open for Loki he gained a kiss on the cheek, something that seemed ritualised to them both.

Down the elevator and into the car park, Tony opened the passenger seat door for Loki after securing their things in the trunk of the black BMW and stood back as his lover sat down. Once he was securely in his seat he drove off and when they settled into their usual spot in the company car park they split off to go their separate ways with the promise of meeting up for lunch and coffee.

 

* * *

 

 

Tony’s day had been terrible.

As he’d entered his office that morning there had been three students asking questions about the paper, two complaining that they weren’t ready, and around half of his engineering class claiming that they needed more time. He’d calmly told them one by one that he was doing all he could, that he’d given them the knowledge and that it was their responsibility now to use what they could to themselves a pass.

They’d left, but the harassment didn’t stop there.

As usual, at least once a year, a student would ask if there was anything they could do to bump up their grade. This meant _anything_.  Tony had declined, as he had every year, yet still they’d persisted. Just like every year. And just like every year he’d called his good friend Maria from the medical bay and had the student sent to see the Institutes psychiatrist. Obviously it wouldn’t have an effect, it never did.

The hours passed in a blur of time, of questions answered in a hurry as people took notes on scraps of paper, listened avidly, panicked obsessively. Tony knew there wasn’t a lot he could do to help them, all he could do was provide an environment in which they could learn. The rest was on them, he refused to spoon feed them information. That wasn’t how he’d been taught, that wasn’t how he taught at all. No student could learn when there were trouble makers, so every year he’d make a speech against it. No student could learn in a place where they thought there were obvious favourites, and though there were he was definite on never showing that. He provided the opportunities for his students to take, never did he once decline one student from doing anything unless he thought he or she could not handle it. And this is what he’d repeat every year to his class. And every year they would blame him for their stress.  

Too much work in this time of the year, too much work on top of the sunny weather they’d been graced with that sent everyone irritable due to the heat. Students who’d finished their exams in other courses lay sprawled out on the campus, on the parks or near or on the beach. He wished that he could take Loki down to the beach again, just like that year when all finals were cancelled due to some of the questions being worded too strangely, a year when all students in the engineering final got a free pass and everyone got the day off. They’d lounged on the sand, enjoyed their day, and it had been perfect. That was two years back. It had been two years since they’d been to the beach.

  

* * *

 

 

Only half of the day had gone by the time Tony Stark exited the office space that was so stuffy he’d found it impossible to breathe. The air conditioning unit had broken, and Tony had sweated himself through his shirt. He was sticky, uncomfortable, and so damn irritated that he snapped at students that asked him questions while he struggled to get to the little café close by where Loki was always first to arrive. Strangely enough Tony was the first to arrive, and so he sat himself down in their corner and took their usual order when it was this weather. Nice, ice cold lemonade.

Condensation had begun to drip from Loki’s drink and settle into the cloth about their table by the time Loki arrived, his face red and flustered as if he’d ran the whole way there. “I’m so sorry, darling…” He panted as he fell into the seat and ran his hands backwards through his hair. “I fell asleep at my desk, none of the students thought to wake me.” Loki gave a soft chuckle and Tony simply smiled, shaking his head as if it were a normal occurrence. Fact was that it had never happened before. Was Loki not sleeping well? Strange that Tony hadn’t noticed it, seeing as they shared the same bed. Loki had little habits that Tony loved. He never snored, though he would take quick little breaths or long and slow ones. The way he curled up on his side was something he’d come to love, and the way that when he curled up, Tony was almost always slotted between his legs and curled up to his chest. Tony was warm while he slept and Loki was cool which made for a perfect balance during the seasons when the sheets would become to stifling or when the air too cold. Someone was always the others balance. Surely Tony would have noticed if there was something off and the other wasn’t sleeping. Surely.

“Tired, then?” He asked as Loki began draining his glass like there was no tomorrow, then took hold of Tony’s and began sipping from that glass as well. He didn’t mind, it looked as if Loki needed it. There was a soft hum which Tony took for a yes, then when both of their glasses were empty Tony paid for two more while watching Loki with raised brows _. Ah well, must be the heat, it was getting to everyone._ Tony thought as he glanced around their little café to see more people guzzling the home made lemonade. He smiled somewhat ruefully, jealous that they still had theirs, but soon their empty glasses were refilled and Tony cradled his glass away from Loki, just in case.

“You would not believe how rude my class was acting towards me today!” He heard Loki begin, and Tony knew that this is where he usually blanked into oblivion and simply focused on watching Loki, almost blindly, but today he listed raptly. He was capable of doing that sometimes, actually listening, it was just that on some occasions he needed some time to fully get into a conversation.

“Did someone try and get you into bed?” Tony asked, smiling while he lounged in the soft padded chair, his hands crossed over his stomach.

“You’re not far off there, Tony.” Loki irritably ran his hand through his dishevelled hair, mopped it backwards and tried to slot it back into place in perfect little flicks again. He failed, of course, he was sweating too much for that. “No, I was bribed. A student came in today and handed me money. Money, Stark!” They were both laughing in embarrassment for the student, Tony with his hands over his face and Loki cringing. “Gods… He offered me a lot, that’s what got me. And he was a smart boy, I’m sure he could pass! The young people here seem to think that they need to do everything and anything outside of external moderation to bring up their course work marks. It’s not like I have any power over that, not now I’ve sent off their final marks. And I told them so! I did, I told them today that I had no power over who gets what marks anymore. Needless to say that I got a few odd looks and the odd name.” Loki chuckled and reached for his drink again, then waved over the waiter and ordered them both some a sandwich each.

“I had a student try and seduce me, I sent her to a therapist.” Tony snorted and leaned forwards on the table to observe himself within the mirror of the napkin holder. He used his fingers to try and comb back his hair into its original position and it worked to some extent, seeing as he was drying up in the cool room with its fancy air conditioning. Why couldn’t they get air con like this in the class rooms? Life would be so much easier, he thought.

“I can believe that.” Loki mumbled over the rim of the lemonade glass.

“So all in all a shitty day?” Tony asked as he raised his head again, wondering if he’d be able to poke the conversation back into progress. Truth was he was just too damn tired, and his mind wasn’t working to full capacity.

“Obviously.” Ouch, Loki’s tone was cold. The air between them was nothing but silence, silence in which Tony contemplated bringing up more work related issues, but instead he decided to make for a joke.

“Did you keep the money?”

“Stark!”

“What? We could have bought a new TV!”  

Loki laughed, a melodic sounds that turned into a soft chuckle as their sandwiches arrived, and he began to take apart the pieces of his ham and cheese to create easy bites for the mouth. Tony ate straight and with gusto, his hands around the meat stuffed meal in a napkin, and took bite after bite until his stomach was full and there was nothing left but crumbs on the plate.

He sat back, watching Loki fuss over each bite until he was done, before continuing their conversation that had strayed off into the realm of their friends.

“Steve and Peggy’s wedding anniversary soon. They’re having a party, we’ve been invited.” Tony informed much to Loki’s enthusiasm. He smirked knowingly as he gave the details, then as Loki began to drone about which gifts to get them he lost focus and began to drift. His mind was on the wedding night, how they’d gotten a little drunker than they’d intended and gone for a walk down through the garden in Venice that Steve had organised. He was a romantic like that, always trying to find a new way to charm Peggy. That was really what had caught her in the first place, his charm and his 1940’s seeming ways. A true gentleman, she’d called him during her little speech. They’d walked for a good half hour, stumbling slightly into each other until Tony had requested a break and they’d paused just beside one of the great streets, oddly enough a fair way from the wedding venue. They’d talked, they’d laughed, and somehow Loki had suddenly kissed him full on the mouth. Tony could remember every little detail, not matter how drunk he’d been. The soft press of Loki’s lips on his, the slight flavour of rum and something fruity like the cocktail they’d been drinking before. He remembered how enthusiastically he’d responded, ending in them both having to rush back to explain to Steve that they needed to go, purely out of need for one another…

“…Of course we bought them a few furniture items for their new home last year, so maybe they’d need a few bits and pieces this year… or we could get them a pet? Imagine Steve with a puppy.” A soft chuckle, Loki continued, “Yes we should absolutely get them an animal! Just to see the look on Peggy’s face!” Tony laughed with Loki this time, and then listed as he continued once more, “What breed? Could you think of them with a border collie or a Labrador? I think they’d like a little terrier, just to irritate the hell out of- why are you staring at me like that?”

Had Tony really spent the whole time Loki was talking just looking at him? Of course he’d listened, heard everything, maybe there was just too much happiness in his expression he couldn’t tell. So instead of speaking he just smiled, stood, and kissed Loki square on the mouth. “I love you. See you back at the car.” And then he was off, leaving a vaguely surprised Loki to tip and pay for their meal.

Tony found that, throughout the day, his good mood radiated onto the other students. Even the air con seemed to perk back to life, and cool air brushed the backs of their necks until four. 


	3. Puppies and Parties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was listening to The Beatles recently, but I'm not so sure that it was that which inspired me. Most likely it was David Bowies- Dancing in the street or Meat Loaf- Paradise by the Dashboard Light.

Tony awoke to the sound of nothing. Rarity, that was what this was, a rare moment in time where he could wake up and hear absolutely nothing. Of course, as soon as his mind had come to terms with this fact, he began to hear things. First it was the strange twittering of the birds that fed from the feeders on their balcony. They had a pair of magpies roosting nearby and Tony was frequently called a superstitious old fool whenever he called on Loki to ‘break his sorrow’ after seeing only one of the birds. The second thing he heard was the city outside, the traffic driving by and the soft hum of people waking up to the world of work that morning. Lastly he heard breathing, the simple intake of breath that told tale he was not alone in his large bed. Ever so slowly his body complied with thoughts and impulses from his brain, resulting in his turn over to see Loki spread out on his side of the bed, curled over himself. He was shirtless, of course. It was summer, who wasn’t shirtless? But unlike Tony he lay on top of the sheets, sweating so much so that his boxers stuck to his body.

The night before they had come home from the last day of term, and thus the last day of work, Tony had considered the possibility that they would celebrate. He’d been wrong, though, for Loki had claimed to be too tired. Of course Tony didn’t press the matter, but found himself taking a very lonely shower for the first time in months. After he’d returned he’d spied Loki completely flat out on the bed, half undressed and sweating like it was nobodies business. Tony had smiled fondly and undressed him further, made his lover comfortable then went to watch an hour or two of TV before falling in beside Loki, asleep with the windows wide open.

Breakfast was his first thought of the morning, and his first thought generated by his stomach. He moved to the kitchen and began making toast, first for himself and then a second round for Loki. He’d never known the other to sleep so much, but he considered it a good thing if he was to wake up in a better mood. Tony pinned it on the stress of the finals season, and how both of them had been at their whit’s ends with both each other and their jobs. It mattered no more, however, for they were on their annual break. Nothing spoke perfection more so than summer break.

Within half an hour he’d eaten both his and Loki’s breakfast and drank a mug of coffee yet still Loki was not up. Even his TV show, something about car engines, was not as entertaining as the thought at the back of his head asking him ‘Why wasn’t Loki awake yet?’

Sliding into the bedroom once more he sat on the edge of the bed beside Loki and smiled fondly at the other as he twitched slightly in his sleep, frowning or humming once in a while.

“Loki…” Tony whispered at first, his hand laid across the others shoulder. The only response he got was a soft grunt, then a levelling of Loki’s breathing. He sighed exasperatedly and rolled his eyes, shaking Loki slightly again. “Hey, come on Lo, wake up…”

“Whaat…” Came the muffled moan in an irritated and unforgiving tone. Red eyes that were sleep deprived opened to peer at him, squinting through the sudden light of the open windows. “What time is it?” Loki half slurred in his sleep fogged state, something Tony found endearing.

“Half ten.” He grinned happily and began to thread his hand through Loki’s hair, but at the others panicked look he had to add onto the end of his statement, “We slept in.”

Loki relaxed, his muscles untensed and he rolled onto his back upon the bed while his hands rose to his hair and threaded backwards. Tony simply stood and made his way to the door as Loki began to sit up, groaning at his own body protesting. Had he forgotten their favourite time of the year? The time when relief was high, higher than either of them could imagine. It was like a shot of heroin to an addict who’d gone three weeks without his hit, except they’d gone the entire year.

“I made you breakfast but I ate it.” Tony called as he walked towards the living room, grinning back at Loki whom gave him the mother of all glares.

Stark was in a good mood, something that didn’t happen often so he knew today would be good. Today he’d get personal things done, such as their going down to the store to pick up the puppy they’d had on hold for a week. He was a small Labrador crossed with a golden retriever, a bouncy thing with a bunch of energy which Tony had figured Steve would appreciate, no matter how much Peggy resented them for the mess he’d make. Ah well, Tony liked the idea and he’d thank the lord that Loki didn’t want a puppy for their own. Later that night they’d give Steve and Peggy their anniversary present while at a party with their friends, then they’d come home and Tony would do all he had within his power to seduce Loki. Oh yes, his night would be fun, so Tony could forgive the pillow thrown at his head for eating Loki’s breakfast that morning.

 

* * *

 

 

“Tony, this is your fault.”

“No it’s not, he just got excited!”

“I still blame you.”

“Blaming me for a puppy’s crappy bladder? Yeah, let’s blame me for world war two while we’re at it.”

“You’re insufferable.”

“I know.”

As it turns out the puppy that they’d bought from the store had been excited to see them too, and as soon as Tony had got into their car he told Loki to sit with said puppy in the back seat next to the box that contained the pup.

“Why’d you have to take him out of the cage, anyway?” Tony asked as Loki petted at his lap with tissues, a look of disgust plastered across his face.

“Because he was crying at me! What else was I supposed to do, leave him?” Loki retorted angrily but Tony only laughed.

“Well yeah, he’s gonna cry, he doesn’t know where he’s going! We’re nearly home, just hold on and quit moaning at me.” Tony sighed as he turned the corner to their building and slid easily into the parking lot, the spot marked with his own name. Loki’s car was beside it, but seeing as they lived together they mainly took Tony’s car which was easier to drive and navigate. They’d probably end up selling Loki’s, but for now they didn’t really need too. They were fine for money, fine for transport, fine for everything really. Nothing actually seemed to be wrong other than the heightened stress they were suffering each year from the finals at MIT.

Tony was first out of the car and into the building, taking the puppy with him in his cage. He could hear the poor dog barking, whining and scratching at the cage to be let out, and Loki telling him to shut up otherwise he’d turn him into cat food. Tony was left to handle the dog’s things, all the ‘necessary items all dogs should have’ and then some. With arms packed to the shoulders and several items stacked in a puppy basket, Tony waddled towards the elevator and made his way up to their apartment, finally grunting in relief once he dropped them all into a pile upon the floor by the door.

Tony could hear the soft whines of the puppy stuck in his cage and the pittering of water hitting tiles, clearly Loki taking a shower to rid himself of the puppy pee. Tony couldn’t help the laughter that bubbled up through his throat at the thought, and he shook his head as he bent to examine the pup through the bars of his prison.

“You knew exactly what you were doing, didn’t you?” He asked quietly, smirking as the dog responded with a vigorous tail wagging.

“I knew it, you little shit. Awe, Peggy’s gonna love you! Don’t go chewing her shoes though, or Steve’s for that matter. Loki might be tolerant but Steve might not refrain from using a rolled up newspaper or water spray on you if you’re bad.” Before he really knew what it was he was doing, Tony had the puppy in his arms and was sitting on the couch as a tongue attacked his face and neck.

“Okay, okay, I love you too, okay? Yeah, good boy, you’re a good boy… Now Loki might have been mad in the car but he loves you too, you just scared him. I told him you just got excited, he knows that. It was his fault for taking you out to early, especially in the car. I’m just glad you didn’t pee on the leather. I’d have handed you over to Cruella De Vil myself and requested a pair of fluffy puppy mittens.”

The look Tony received from the dog was simply happy, it was all he could describe it as. He was wagging, whining to get closer, to run around, to wiggle free and search the temporary home. Tony just grinned and allowed him free reign while he set up the small puppy pen and placed the dog inside. He didn’t want to name him yet, no it wasn’t their place, but he found himself calling the other ‘puppy’ and ‘Tike’ more than he should have. In the time it took Loki to disinfect himself, Tony had stacked the pets supplies by the door and settled to watch him attack a chew toy hamburger, something that squeaked and squealed as it was chewed. Tike found it to be the best invention within the world, causing him to spend all of his energy and attention solely upon the toy in question.

It was strange how entranced Tony was by him, by watching a being so happy and care free within the world that an object seemingly simple to him could provide hours upon hours of entertainment for the other. Was it that he was too advanced, that human minds were too heavy and weighed down and oppressed to ever see the light in something so simple as a squeaky toy?

“Having fun?”

The voice made him start and jump back to life. He blinked rapidly and turned, causing his back to crack in protest. Tike was asleep in his cage and Loki bent to observe. Tony observed that his hair was wet and slicked back, a fashion he’d loved the other to adopt seeing as it was how he’d worn in when they first met.

“Bloody hell… did you kill him?” Loki asked incredulously, to which Tony simply laughed and shook his head. He joined the other on the floor, kneeling beside the cage where the puppy lay flat out upon his back, chew toy in his mouth still.

“He just needed to play, he got excited, I told you that.” Tony hands were up Loki’s sides, caressing the soft red silk of his shirt eagerly. “Now maybe I should tire you out, too. What do you think?”

Before the other could speak his acceptance or declination, Tony moved forwards and kissed him square on the mouth. It was rough and hurried and Tony was pleased to find that Loki responded readily, even going as far as to thread his hands into Tony’s hair and draw him closer. He moved into Loki’s lap, straddled him and continued his exploration of Loki’s silk shirt across his back, a small smile flitting across his face as he broke away for a mere moment to look the other in the eye. Their foreheads were pressed together, and Tony smiled happily when Loki pushed up to resume their kiss. That was, until there was a very audible squeak causing the pair to break apart.

“Nice going, Tike. I was getting somewhere.” Tony complained as the pup waggled his tail, clearly pleased that he’d gained the attention of the two men. Loki simply chuckled and nuzzled his nose into Tony’s neck, his breath hot upon his skin.

“Tonight, love. We’re going to be late. Go shower, I shall load the car. We can eat before we go.” Tony gave Loki a soft peck upon the lips before he lifted himself up from the floor, dusted his jeans off and motioned to the bathroom.

As he was undressing he heard something from the living room, and smiled to himself as he heard Loki’s voice singing along to a track upon their stereo, Walking On Sunshine By Katrina And The Waves.

 

* * *

 

 

The drive to Steve and Peggy’s little house in the suburbs was relatively undisturbed. Tike had fallen asleep again, only this time it was in the backseat of the car In his puppy carrier that sat upon Loki’s lap so it didn’t rock so much. Tony could have belted him in, but Loki had insisted. Tony didn’t question.

They walked up to the front door and met with someone from Steve’s side of the family whom greeted them and began to instantly coo over the puppy in the cage, something that Tony and Loki took in their stride. They’d tied a golden ribbon over his cage, simply because it showed how obvious the present was and who would they be if not the most ostentatious couple ever to grace Massachusetts. Steve and Peggy greeted them only moments later, and Tony grinned to his old friend as Loki raised the cage to clearly show off their new pet.

“Surprise! Happy anniversary, guys!” Tony called happily.

The looks on their faces were priceless. Steve seemed very much taken back, as if there were a life bomb inside the cage instead of a small dog. Peggy, on the other hand, had gasped and moved forwards to take the puppy, happily grinning as she took the rather confused looking dog from his confines. He waggled his tail happily, if a little sleepily, and began licking at Peggy’s face as his excitement increased.

“You bought us a dog?” Steve asked with a small and uncertain smile. He scratched at the back of his head almost nervously, and hesitated to scratch the pup behind the ears. Tike grumbled happily and leaned into Steve’s hand which in turn made Steve smile and relax slightly.

“Sure did, pure bred too. He’s a Golden retriever cross mix thingy…-“

“A Labrador, Golden retriever mix.” Loki supplied smoothly as Tony set down the arms full of supplies.

“Whatever, we got you a puppy now enjoy!” His hand found Loki’s to which he held onto, and he was slightly taken back by how warm and clammy it was. Ah well, must have been the strange weather. They’d been getting all kinds of strange weather recently, specifically the kind that turned from hot and sunny to wet and humid. Peggy kissed their cheeks and thanked them wholeheartedly, a large smile upon her face. Steve grinned and took the puppy upstairs to a room where he’d be out of the way of strangers, able to settle in and play with a majority of his new toys.

The evening was nice, as far as Tony had seen. There atmosphere was great, there was alcohol everywhere and Peggy had made her beef sandwiches that were to die for. He really didn’t have any idea how she made them so good, but it was probably down to the amount of beef she had in each sandwich, the gravy she dipped them in and the strange centre sauce that she wouldn’t tell him the recipe for. He’d lost Loki at one point, quite early in the evening actually, but he’d found him sitting by himself on the couch by a pot plant with a glass of red wine in one hand, and his head in the other.

“Loki…?” Tony asked as he sat down beside him, worry creasing his brows as he stared at the other. “You okay? What’s wrong, you don’t look so good…”

“I’m fine, really, just have a headache.” Tony could see Loki’s slender fingers working to rub at his temples, trying to massage away what pain he might be feeling. Tony’s brows only furrowed even more, and he quickly assessed the situation.

“Do you want to go home?” He asked instantly, to which Loki shook his head and drained his wine glass.

“We came here to celebrate, so let’s celebrate. Come on, there’s people dancing and you’ve not danced with me in ages.” Loki gave him the look that suggested there was no room for argument, and Tony couldn’t refuse the way he tugged and pulled him up out of his seat, even if his insides were squirming uncomfortably at both the prospect of dancing and the worry he felt for Loki.

They joined together somewhere in the large living room, so spacious it could fit a pool, where other couples and people with children were dancing to ‘Can’t Buy Me Love- By the Beatles’. There were awkward dancers, those that had been dragged up, and those that seemed so relaxed and at ease that the thought crossed his mind that a little too much alcohol had been brought to the evening.

They twirled slightly in the almost confined space, and pressed together as if they were going to dance within a ballroom. Tony grinned and found himself relaxing with every step and every beat of the song as it started up.

_“I'll buy you a diamond ring my friend if it makes you feel alright_

_I'll get you anything my friend if it makes you feel alright_

_Cos I don't care too much for money, and money can't buy me love!”_

Tony sang along perfectly to the tune as they danced, quickly stepping around different couples, occasionally having to reroute or zig zag out of the way but all else making fools of themselves as they span. Loki joined with the second portion of the song, grinning for all he was worth despite his claimed headache.

_“I'll give you all I got to give if you say you'll love me too_

_I may not have a lot to give but what I got I'll give to you_

_I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love!”_

There was a moment where Tony could only watch Loki, happily singing to Tony and anyone that would listen around them. His smile was like a permanent thing, plastered across his face, and thought he rather suddenly felt rather disjointed from the room, like everything was echoing and his only solid thing was Loki. His only vice was Loki, the man that had helped him through rough times a few years back when he’d had to quit smoking. The man who’d single handedly carried him away from an accident, and helped him to a hospital when he’d broken his leg bike riding in India. All of these reasons added up to why he adored him, loved him with his ever fibre, loved him with all he was.

 

* * *

 

 

Three hours after the party, Tony was pretty drunk and Loki was in the same state. They’d gotten a taxi home, groped each other in the car, and once they’d arrived Tony was pretty sure he’d given the driver his whole wallet, but upon further inspection of his pants as he hurried to get them off he found that he still had it. Then what had he used to pay the driver? Ah well, no time to worry about that for now.

Loki was on his knees before Tony, his eyes glazed over with lust. Tony knew that look, and he also knew that he was lucky enough to be the one of the receiving end of it. Loki had told him time and time again that this was all for him and no other, and Tony had believed that completely. And he would until the day he died.

It was with one smooth motion that Loki gripped his hips, leaned forwards and licked a stripe up from the base of Tony’s length to the tip, causing Tony to give a soft moan of pleasure at the mere sight of it. His thighs spread a little wider upon the bed and Loki bent even lower, took the head into his mouth and applied a light suction with soft hums. They gave vibrations into Tony’s length that sent him groaning, gasping Loki’s name as he grasped the other’s shoulders tightly. Nothing existed but Loki at that point, nothing.

The suction was gone rather suddenly and Tony glanced up accusingly at the grinning face of his lover, and as he was about to protest and demand more from his mouth, Tony was graced with a slick finger probing its way into his entrance. He let out an undignified sound, his head fell back and his stomach muscles contracted with the pleasurable burn.

“God… Loki…” He gasped, instantly rewarded with a second finger that had him whining happily, red flushing his cheeks. The motions of stretching and widening him were rewarding too, and every time he looked up he could see Loki stroking himself, watching his fingers with rapt attention, and with his face contorted so beautifully in pleasure that Tony wished he could take a picture and hang it up upon the wall for all to see.

A third finger and Tony was ready, his eyes closed as sweat nearly blinded him. Loki hovered above the shorter man and hooked his legs onto his waist, causing Tony to be brought into Loki’s lap, almost. There was the familiar pressure of the blunt tip of Loki pressing at his entrance, and he relaxed even more so to make for a smoother entry. Loki slid in almost effortlessly, moving so that he’d push some of the way, then withdrawn and make more of a journey than before. It created comfort, ease, and pleasure that neither man wished to stop. Tony’s hips arched into Loki’s after a moment of stillness whereby Loki pressed a hand to his own chest and stopped to catch his breath. Tony’s eyes were closed, but he could hear the others shortness of breath too, and so he decided that a moment of pause would do them both good.

Loki acted after a minute, his face set into one of determination and drunken lust, a combination known to be fatal to those that didn’t have a crutch like Tony had. The thrusting began rhythmically, and at each push, each brush of his walls, each touch against his prostate, Tony let out little howls. He moaned Loki’s praises and chanted his name, clinging to the other for all he was worth with both arms and legs wound tightly around his waist and shoulders. Their motions stalled, picked up, and continued with this pattern until Loki paused for a much longer time to simply catch his breath again. They were both slick with sweat, though Tony was sure that most of it was Loki’s rather than his own.

“You good?” He slurred drunkenly which gained him a nod, causing Loki to continue at a rough pace, thrusting harder into his lover.

Tony came after three concise and practiced thrusts into the centre of his prostate, right in the places Loki knew sent him wild. He called out in a choked cry of happiness, a sound that was vibrated and swallowed by Loki’s mouth over his, muffling both of their cries as Loki came shortly after Tony.

Silence once more. Tony’s head suddenly became aware of sounds slowly, one by one, and first was Loki’s breathing. They were both panting, but none more so than Loki. He assumed with was their tiredness or the fact that they’d had an hour long sex session, ending in both of their fatigues. Whatever the reason, Tony had to manoeuvre so that Loki could pull out without hurting either of them, then turned onto his side and pulled the other to his chest. Tony tucked Loki’s head beneath his chin and sighed happily, his eyes closing in content.

“I love you…” Came the muddled sound from one so tired he could barely move. Tony replied with the like, a soft smile set across his face.

“I love you too.”

 


	4. Doctor's Orders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's play a game of how many of the symptoms can you spot? Okay, mean. I'd planned this chapter out for a long while now. I hope you enjoyed it, and any comments are very welcome indeed! I'm already surprised at the response I've gotten, I really am! So thank you!

Tony awoke with a startling headache and a body to match. His lower back ached, his head even more so, and the soft sounds that he shouldn’t have been bothered by, such as the birds on the feeder outside, irked him to no end. He groaned and rolled onto his back, and there was a moment where his skin seemed to slide apart from Loki’s like Velcro. He grimaced and rubbed at his temples, blinking blearily as a matching groan joined him a few moments later. Loki rolled to the side away from Tony and shivered, then as soon as he turned onto his back he seemed to pale considerably.

Tony was slowly sitting up at the time when he saw Loki shoot off to the bathroom, a blur of pale limbs and black hair, and he glanced around in confusion until the tell-tale sound of someone throwing up met his ears. He sighed and shook his head, which was probably not the best thing considering he nearly blacked out from the dizziness it brought on. He couldn’t remember much more from last night other than the dancing and the alcohol. Tike had joined them at one moment, chanced by Steve who’d accidentally let him out of the room after hearing yelping. He remembered something about singing and karaoke, and he hoped to GOD that he hadn’t gotten up and sang a solo… He was known for becoming the singing drunk.

“Stark…” Loki called weakly from the bathroom, a rough voice that Tony could have sworn sounded like his throat was cut up. He didn’t want to move at all, especially regarding how shitty he felt, and how it felt as if a ton of bricks had fallen on his head. Ever so slowly he rose from the bed, cradling his head on one hand, and guided himself towards the bathroom where he found Loki kneeling, hair all over the place, beside the toilet. At a glance into the toilet he could see that he’d thrown up the entire contents of his stomach, though mostly it contained alcohol. It was pink, too, and seemed to have little spots of red inside which Tony really didn’t want to look too closely at. He sighed and put his hand against his lover’s forehead to check his temperature but instantly pulled back at the sudden feverish hat he felt.

“Jesus, Christ… you’re burning up, Lo…” Tony whispered, his eyes widening considerably. Loki simply groaned and placed his cheek on the rim of the toilet seat, the cool sensations seeping into his flushed cheeks. Tony scratched at his head and contemplated what he was to do, and upon deciding he smoothed back Loki’s hair into a pony tail for him.

  
“Okay, are you done? Think you can stand to the sink?” Tony asked quietly, his brows furrowing as he tucked his hands under Loki’s arms and hauled him up. Loki was hot all over, his body seemed to quake and he shuddered almost violently. Within seconds he was down the toilet again, throwing up once more of that same pink coloured liquid that made Tony want to throw up himself. But he waited, of course, because that’s what you do when you’re in a relationship. You take the good with the bad, even if it means cleaning your half unconscious boyfriend of his own sick.

Tony managed to get Loki to the sink where he set him about cleaning his own mouth, then flushed and bleached the toilet to get rid of the metallic odour within the room. He cracked the window further open to allow some of the cool morning air to seep in, then started the shower and after cleaning his own face and teeth, jumped in with Loki. There was nothing sexy about the intimacy of their shower, and it wasn’t something they usually did. But Tony wasn’t ashamed to say that his worry was getting the better of him, and he felt the need to stick by Loki for fear that he’d end up hurting himself or falling. So he cleaned Loki up, washed him and did the same to himself. He set the other in a towel and allowed him to go get dressed after a minute argument over Loki’s capability to do so.

“I’m fine, Stark, you worry too much.”

“Well I have a right to, I mean look at you! We must have drank the same and yet I don’t remember drinking pink cocktails! Why did you throw up stuff that looked all pink and frothy? That’s not normal Loki… And you’re all hot and sticky… I think you should go see a doctor at least, yeah?” Tony’s hands fiddled with each other, grasping and pulling at his thumbs in an almost nervous way.

“Tony, I’m fine. You forget that I come from England, I’m not so used to this weather. I’ve not been wearing the correct sunscreen either, it’s most likely just sunstroke. And last night I recall Peggy’s friends making cocktails, though whether or not we drank them is beyond me.” Tony sighed and looked to the floor, but when a hand grasped his chin and forced him to look up he was met with those eyes he fell in love with all those years back. “I’ll be fine, love.”

And that was the end of that conversation. Tony and Loki got dressed and moved about their usual routine, mostly consisting of tidying the apartment, eating and a quickie on the couch. Nothing out of the usual for their Sunday routine. Tony kept an eye on Loki the entire time, and he frowned every time he saw his lover rub at his chest or pause to simply frown and look at nothing. It was as if Loki was losing concentration, or the ability to focus for longer than ten minutes on a certain task such as cleaning the kitchen cupboards out.

At 12 in the afternoon they were greeted by e-mails of thanks from Peggy and Steve, pictures that mainly consisted of the puppy they’d bought them running wild about the house, tearing up bed sheets or pillows and peeing in different places. They sat together on the couch with Loki lying against the arm and Tony between his legs with the laptop on his stomach. They’d flick through the images and comment on certain aspects, completely happy to simply sit and watch. Well, that was until they got to the end of the e-mail where they saw a video…

“Oh God…” Tony said as he saw the play button hovering over an image of black. He knew what this would be and after a long glance from Loki he pressed play.

Music infiltrated his ears.

Singing filled the room.

Tony groaned.

There he was, up at the front of the living room where there stood a microphone and lyrics rising up on the large flat screen TV behind him. It was obvious how drunk he was, especially seeing as he couldn’t stand still for more than five seconds. There was Loki in front of him, sat in a chair while Tony sang… yes, those were indeed the lyrics to ‘Dancing in the street By David Bowie’.

“Ohhh… fuck…” Tony groaned and plastered his hands over his face as his past self pranced around, singing for all he was worth. People were cheering, people were dancing, and in all honesty he was a pretty good singer but it didn’t negate from the fact that he was in fact singing in front of everyone, especially Loki whom he could see sipping from a glass of wine. Classy bastard.

“My, my, Tony…” Loki chuckled, though it was evident that he was trying to hide it, “I never knew you had quite a voice! Why did you not tell me? How come I only find out now, of all times, that my lovely Stark can sing!”

Tony groaned again and shook his head, his face flushing in embarrassment. God… Why? Why had someone been cruel enough to hand him a mic? “I don’t remember this…” He mumbled as he struggled to find the pause button, and just as he was getting a round of applause he figured it might be over. There was a further ten minutes of the video, and god only knows what he could have sang or done in that time. The Loki on the screen seemed pleased with himself, and he gestured forwards to Tony whom obediently knelt before him, then accepted the kiss he was given and stood back up after a whispered command.

Rather suddenly there was the sound of ‘Don’t Stop Me Now by Queen’ bursting through the speakers of Steve and Peggy’s house, and through the speakers of the laptop Tony could hear their audience going wild. There was more dancing, and Tony began to sing again with an odd gravelly voice that was probably due to the alcohol.

He groaned and slammed the lid shut, refusing to watch anymore. God forbid if that was ever to get onto the internet… he was sure that his classes would murder him next term.

“We don’t talk about this. It’s a thing that never happen, okay? Good.” Tony stood and stole the laptop back to their study and after setting it down upon the desk he was sure he could still hear Loki’s laughter from the living room.

 

* * *

 

 

Later that evening Loki and Tony sat together on their couch eating Chinese food. It was good food, and they were regulars at the restaurant that served them so they got discounted egg fried rice whenever they ordered. Tony sat wearing nothing but a pair of loose bottoms that he used when he went to the gym. They were light and comfortable and no matter how much Loki urged him to throw them away he never would. Especially seeing as they were cut into three quarters so that his legs could breathe. Perfect. Lord prissy clothes sat on Tony’s right wearing a pair of boxers and nothing more, and though they had the overhead fan on plus the windows open, Loki was still sweating. It wasn’t as much and whatever the fever was that he’d had earlier seemed to have calmed, but Tony still worried, especially as he kept seeing little flickers of pain rise and fall across his lovers face, and his hand rubbing against his chest.

They watched their film in relative peace and silence, and even after they’d finished the food neither could be bothered to actually move and wash the plates. This simply lead to Loki lying across Tony’s lap, and Tony threading his fingers through his hair as he would with a cat, soothing and tickling his scalp. When the credits rolled and the film was over, Tony was the only one awake. The light was off and there was nothing but the dull glow of the TV to light the room, that and the lights of the city beyond the wall of glass in front of him. He smiled fondly at Loki within his lap, and his hand stilled for a moment as he moved to stand from the couch, settling the other down gently. He found a light blanket and threw it around the other’s shoulders, then climbed in beside him and cuddled up close until his head was tucked under Loki’s chin, the position he’d adopted ever since they’d started sleeping within the same bed.

The night was silent again and all was calm, Tony falling asleep to the rhythmic sounds of Loki’s breathing, but when he pressed his head to Loki’s chest he had to struggle to listen to his heart. It was odd, the sound, it wasn’t normal. A normal heart had a _lub dub, lub dub_ , sound. Loki’s sounded more… slow. It was faltering. This lasted for all of a minute before it picked up into a usual pace and as Tony glanced up to look at Loki he found the others face smoothing out from a grimace. Had he been in pain while his heart faltered?

Tony’s own heart began to hammer within his chest and a cold sweat broke out over his brow. He sat up and ran his hands through his hair, sniffing slightly as he thought through the possibilities. What he did know was that this was not heat stroke, and either something was seriously wrong with Loki or he was lying to him.

“Loki… Loki, come on, wake up.” He stood and pulled the blanket from them both, a seemingly good thing judging by how hot Loki seemed.

“Whazz… Stark, it’s almost midnight… Come back, I want to sleep…” Tony shook his head and took several deep breaths, calming himself as best he could.

“No, we need to get you to a hospital or something, something’s not right.” Tony began to pace the room, his eyes on Loki or the rest of the room or outside in the city as if that could give him the answers.

“Tony, I’m fine. We’ve discussed this! I don’t need to go to the hospital, it’s just heat stroke, it’ll pass…” His voice trailed off when Tony levelled him with a look. The phrase ‘if looks could kill’ suddenly sprang to mind, and he began his pacing again.

“Look, we’re going whether you like it or not!”

“Stark I am NOT a five year old, I know my own body and I know that I shall be fine! You’re fussing too much, you’re acting like a mother hen! I’m FINE!”

“You don’t understand, this isn’t normal! Your fucking heart isn’t supposed to suddenly stop and then pick up at some fuck ass beat that isn’t normal! Loki, look at you! Look at what’s happening!”

“Do you think I don’t see it? I’ve had this treatment since I was young, Thor always used to tell me how weak I was, how I needed to eat more or see a doctor or get myself better because I wasn’t ‘Good enough’! I don’t need that from you as well! Whatever it is will pass, I’m perfectly fine the way I am, there’s nothing wrong with me!”

Tempers rose, and as both men seemed to deflate from the argument, Tony stopped his pacing.

“No, we’re going. Something’s not right Loki, how can you ignore it? I’ve seen it, I mean look at you now, all this sweating and the chest pains… your heart beat isn’t normal, it’s… it’s like it’s erratic. It’s like it doesn’t know when to beat and when to stop anymore… Loki, its scaring me. Please…” Tony stood with his arms by his sides and a very defeated looking slump to his shoulders. He could feel his eyes burning, fear weaving its way through both his chest and his heart, sending little shivers up his body. Rather slowly he was engulfed in Loki’s arms and held tightly to the others bare chest. That was when he broke. He’d been noticing these symptoms for days now, but they seemed… so much more than just symptoms. They were a part of something bigger and that scared him.

“Tony…” Loki whispered softly, his hand running through Tony’s hair over and over. He couldn’t help the shakes that rattled his body, the way silent tears seemed to spill from his eyes.

“Please, I’ll take you myself… Tomorrow. Please, Loki, I don’t want to find out that it’s something we could have treated if we’d have gone sooner…” His voice was broken and slow, nothing more than a whisper.

It was probably the fact that he was tired, or the fact that the sudden heart scare had him in a rush, but he also felt it. Something wasn’t right with Loki, there was something… off. Wrong. Out of order. And it didn’t set right within his stomach at all.

It was a long stretch of time in which Tony knew Loki to be thinking. He was always silent when he thought, distant and out of their own little bubble. It was all Tony could do to let him think it over, and the response he got made a weight lift off of his shoulders.

“Tomorrow.” Loki whispered.

“Thank you…”

 

* * *

 

 

The waiting room was stifling, the air conditioning was feeble and the whole damn place was packed with sneezing kids and people looking so hot and sweaty that he felt sick to his stomach. But he was here for Loki, of course, he’d promised him that he’d be there. It had taken a very long and tiresome conversation in the morning to convince Loki to take the appointment that Tony had booked, and he’d even had to resort to bribing the other to get him to comply. Either way his endeavours worked, and here they were in the shabby little office waiting for Dr Richmond to see them.

Over an hour after their specific appointment time and Tony was becoming uncomfortable within his suit. Loki had coughed into a tissue twice in this time, expelling that same pink frothy spittle that had gotten Tony so worried when they’d been hungover. He worried for him, he really did and that worry made his stomach clench uneasily.

_Its okay, it’ll be fine. Nothing major just a check up to see if he’s alright, then they’re gonna give him drugs then we’re gonna go home and have a giant sex session in celebration after I listen to him tell me how much of a worrying fool I am._

Tony wiped the sleeve of his suit across his brow and nearly jumped when Loki’s name was called. They both stood and entered the even smaller office, but both sighed in relief as the air that hit them was cool.

“I’m very sorry about the wait, this time of year there seem to be a lot of heat illnesses. What can I do for you both?” The Doctor arranged her desk correctly as Tony and Loki sat down in the chairs side by side, Loki with his hand in Tony’s. They shared a glance and Tony gave Loki’s hand a quick squeeze, earning him a soft sigh from the raven haired man.

“I seem to be a little worse for wear than I thought originally. You see I thought I was just stressed, I’m a lecturer you see at MIT and the job’s tough. But as the term ended the symptoms persisted and grew worse until I was forced to come and see you.”

Doctor Richmond hummed and scribbled down several notes onto her pad by the desk, then pushed her glasses further up her nose and leaned forwards slightly.

“If you could list these symptoms for me, in as great a detail as you possibly can, I’ll see what I can do for you, yes?”

Tony noticed how cold Loki’s hands had become, clammy and sweaty in places. He didn’t comment, simply listened to Loki speaking as his steady voice confirmed what Tony already knew.

“It started out with excessive sweating, mostly. I thought it was the heat. I’d sweat even if I wasn’t active, as I am now.” He gestured to the front of his suit miserably. Loki hated to be sweaty, Tony knew this all too well. Whenever they’d come home from work he was always the first into the shower, scrubbing himself clean. The only times he really allowed himself to become sweaty was if they were having sex, and even then he’d prefer to shower rather than lie in his own mess. Tony was usually too out of it to care.

“I find myself becoming feverish at times, loosing time and focus. I tend to drop off mid activity and forget what I was previously doing. I cough and my spit is pinkish and frothy, such as this.” Loki reluctantly showed off his tissue that was dotted with the stuff. The Doctor took it and examined it after snapping on a rubber glove.

“I… get headaches and chest pains. I find it hard to breathe sometimes, it actually hurts to breathe especially during… strenuous activities. I’ve been told that I have an irregular heartbeat too, which would probably account for the pains I feel…” Loki cut off and Tony loosened his grip upon his hand, his eyes upon the doctor. He saw every flicker of emotion she beheld, even if it was minute, and watched as she scribbled certain things down upon her note pad.

“Is that all, Loki?” She asked in a calm voice, that kind of voice you get when someone’s going to give you bad news

“Among other things, most likely. Those are what I can recall at this moment.”

“Right, well I’m going to refer you to a specialist in the field, okay? He’s a good friend of mine, his name’s Doctor Hank. He’s an expert in this sort of pain within the chest, and he’ll be able to decide whether or not you’ll need scans or blood tests and so on. I’m going to book you in for an echocardiogram so we can do some tests on your heart, see if there’s any inflammation or blood clots. Both are easy to treat, both are well within our grasp to cure. I’m sure you’ll be in good hands. For now I’m prescribing you some strong pain killers and a recommendation of rest for the next few weeks until your appointment.” She printed out several documents containing the information that they’d need and handed it to Tony, along with the details of the consultant and the echocardiogram information too. “Thank you for coming in, I hope it’s not as serious as you make it sound.”

With that Tony and Loki stood, though Loki seemed a little shaken at the prospect of taking an echocardiogram examination. Tony thanked the Doctor and lead Loki out to the car, their hands never separating as he took the lead. The hurried. There was no two ways about it, Tony needed to get Loki away from that place so he could talk to him, try and calm him down from the impending panic attack.

Back at the car he waited for a moment instead of opening the car door, instead he chose to turn and throw his arms around the others neck, keeping him close and secure.

When he pulled back it was only an inch or two to see that Loki had wound his arms about his waist and in return had buried his face into Tony’s shoulder. There were light tremors rolling through Loki’s body, and Tony held on even tighter to the other for comfort.

“It’s going to be okay, Lo…” Tony whispered softly, his mouth pressing soft kisses to the others temple. “It’s going to be okay, I promise…” 


	5. I'll Stand By You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made myself upset with this chapter so... God only knows what's going through your minds.

Two weeks they had to wait until they could be booked in for the echocardiogram. In that time Loki had run out of pain killers, and he’d resorted to staying on either the couch or the bed for the most of his days. Tony had done his best to help; he made him food and drinks and kept him entertained. Sometimes he read to Loki, sometimes they’d mooch around on their laptops. Other times they’d watch films on the couch, but mostly Tony tried to keep Loki’s mind off of the inevitable. He’d stay by his side while the other napped, or else complained none stop that the appointment would be unnecessary and that they may as well cancel that moment. Tony could always talk him out of such things, even if it did cause him a lot of discomfort to have to repeatedly name the things that were wrong. Loki had begun to cough worse in the recent days, and the spittle he gave forth was reddish like blood. His fever continued to spike or drop, and Tony made sure he was there with either a blanket or a cold cloth to help. Both men had cancelled any plans they’d had for the upcoming weeks, and it would have been considered relaxing had Loki not been ill, especially with something that they didn’t know how to treat.

It was around three in the morning when Loki next woke up, coughing and gasping as his chest flared in pain. Tony awoke to Loki shaking him roughly, gasping with a grimace of pain upon his face. Instantly Tony snapped into action and moved to sit behind the other, legs either side of his waist and with his hands massaging his chest.

“Shh… It’s okay, calm down… Sh, sh, sh… It’s alright, I’m here… Just breathe, in and out, deep breaths, okay?” His mouth pressed against his lover’s ear and he whispered nonstop, comforting Loki in any way he knew how. Tony knew he was becoming desperate, and he wished that tomorrow would come quicker so they could diagnose Loki and get the whole ordeal behind them. The truth? Tony was beginning to get scared.

It took ten minutes this time for Loki to calm down, his panic spiking to the point of hyperventilation. He made sure to stick with him the entire time, and only when Loki was leaning heavily back into him, breath becoming even once more, and with his face pushed into Tony’s neck was he able to lower him gently to the bed. Tony walked into the bathroom to make Loki a glass of water, and when he came back he tucked himself in beside his lover, weary of the odd coolness of the night outside. He tipped the glass against Loki’s lips and sighed when the other drank a third of it. Fear began to rise within Tony’s chest again and his eyes closed as he circled his arms around Loki, holding him closer than he thought possible. He didn’t want to find out that it was unknown as to what was wrong with Loki. He didn’t want to find out that it was something fatal, or inoperable or unfindable… He didn’t want Loki to die. He couldn’t have him leave, not now. Not after so many years of him by his side. Tony had worked it out years ago, around spring time in 2011; Loki was the only thing to be constant within his life. He was the only one to love him unconditionally, to stick by him through thick and thin. He was the only one who’d showed him the attention he craved and in return had demanded attention himself. Neither man could claim to be broken, but neither man could claim to be whole either. Well, without the other that is.

“Tony?” Tony was pulled from his thoughts by the voice he craved the most, and his eyes closed for a mere moment to saver it before opening again to meet those fantastically green eyes.

“Yeah?” He answered back in a small voice, soft within the darkness of the room. Loki was looking at him with sad eyes and his gaze flickered away to the window. Tony watched as Loki moved out of his embrace to sit upon the edge of the bed with his feet planted firmly on the floor. Tony joined him after a moment, bare backed with their shoulders touching. Loki felt cold again and so Tony moved closer as if to act as a furnace, warming him up with sheer will power. They both faced the city below them, the large window wall becoming a glass cage. It was like Tony was watching a TV show in real time, and the city buzzed like the electrics behind it. Nothing was said for a while, and the silence unnerved Tony for he began to think the worse, that Loki was lapsing in time. But, much to Tony’s sanity, the other gave a soft sigh and turned his attention to his clasped hands between his legs. Tony frowned slightly and felt his hand toying with the edge of Loki’s boxers. He hadn’t noticed himself doing it, let alone that he was toying with someone else’s clothes. Ever since childhood it had been a comfort thing, to curl his hands in fabric be it his own shirt or someone else’s that he trusted. Loki didn’t reprise him because he knew. He knew Tony like Tony knew Loki, and there was nothing wrong with needing a little comfort in a time like this.

“I do not want you to think that I’m giving up…” Loki began quietly, and Tony felt his heart begin to travel south into his stomach, just by those few words. “I have never been one for giving up, you know this, but… If it is something serious, and something that we alone cannot handle… I wish for you to let me make my own decisions. If I say I am in pain… and I wish for you to let me be free of this pain… I ask for you to let me go.”

Silence.

The bomb dropped and all was quiet in the aftermath, all quiet except for the hum of the city outside and the level breathing of Tony’s partner. His breathing hitched, his mouth fell open ever so slightly and a sharp pain of sorrow stabbed Tony right through the chest. Loki was asking him to kill him, wasn’t he? That if it all became too much he’d pull the plug and- and let him-

“No! Are you crazy? No, Loki… Loki… I can’t do that…” Tears sprang into Tony’s eyes as he jumped up from the bed, anger and fear and pain rocketing through his system like fire and ice and all the pain in between. Loki stayed silent, his eyes still on his hands, though when Tony moved frantically around in his pacing Loki seemed to flinch. “I’m not- You’re not- There’s not going to be anything serious with you! You’ll be fine, we’re going to be fine! It’s just a few health checks. Just- just a check or two and then- And then we’ll be home and you’ll have some meds and we’ll be fine again!” He let his hands run through his hair near frantically, his breath coming in short gasps.

“There’s not going to be anything wrong, you’re not dying and you’re not going to be in any pain! Loki I--” His voice was cut off by a harsh sob, and Tony ended up on his knees between Loki’s legs, trying with all his might to get his lover to look him in the eye. “Please, Loki… Don’t talk like that…” He whispered.

Loki gave a very visible sigh and sniffed once, glancing away and out of that damned window again. His hands seemed to hang lifelessly between his legs and Tony made a spectacle of holding them both tightly within his own.

“I don’t want to be in any pain, Stark. I don’t want to outlive any longer than I have to. If this is the way it’s meant to be then so be it.” Loki’s voice was monotone and slow, almost robotic and rehearsed in the way the other spoke his words. It was as if Loki couldn’t see how much pain Tony was in just at the mere thought of having not only to lose Loki, but to be the one to kill him too. That or he couldn’t see it, because what he was asking was something he wanted.

Tony made a sound like a whimper or a cry, his breath hitched and he felt hot tears joining the one’s already flooding his face. After a moment he raised Loki’s hand to place it on the back of his neck and almost cried in relief when he felt the fingers curl within his hair, a comforting gesture if there ever was one. His free hand cupped Loki’s cheek and he brought the other man down to kiss him, wet from Tony’s tears.

Loki remained unresponsive to the kiss, but he knew he was there and so he stayed locked onto Loki’s torso. That hand in his hair curled while the other grasped Tony’s hand tightly. There was another muffled sob and Tony resided to resting against Loki’s chest, his forehead dead in the centre while his hands clutched to him uselessly. Tony’s remaining hand stayed fisted in Loki’s shorts.

 

* * *

 

 

After over a three hour wait it was finally Loki’s turn to meet Doctor Hank for their trial period before the actual examination test. Tony had read up on the echocardiogram and found that it was relatively simple, similar to when pregnant women have scans to see their babies for the first time. Except, well, this was on Loki (a man) and he was going to be tested on his chest. Though they might be sexually adventurous, he freaking well hoped that he hadn’t gotten Loki pregnant or something. It was a wild thought that made him giggle slightly, and as he pointed to the picture on the pamphlet given to them by a nurse, he explained why he found it funny. Loki simply pinned him with a stare that was incredulous, and nudged him in his side almost playfully.

“Odinson?” A voice called from just behind the door on their left, causing Tony and Loki to look up in dread simultaneously. The doctor gave a small smile and gestured for them to enter, and as if on death row, Tony and Loki slumped inside. There was a nurse on a swivel chair in the corner in front of a monitor and beside her was a bottle of gel and a ‘wand’ as they called it. The monitor was black for now and the lights were on, so Tony took one of the seats next to the doctor and sighed, watching Loki shift his weight nervously. He wanted nothing more than to comfort him and wind his arms around the others body. He wanted to keep him close and tell him it was all going to be okay, he’d see.

“Sir, would you mind taking off your shirt and lying flat on your back on the table?” The cheerful nurse asked, and Tony raised his brows at the look on her face when Loki instantly stripped off his slightly damp v neck.

_Oh yeah, that’s mine no touching yes thank you._

Loki laid down upon the bed and the nurse began to stick the electrode patches onto his chest, little round stickers that would channel the impulses. He looked rather nervous when she produced the gel and lathered the cool substance onto his chest, and Tony clenched his jaw irritably as he watched Loki’s discomfort. She was only doing her job, but when his Loki was worried or nervous Tony felt an undying need to protect and shield him from harm. She told him to lie on his side and he did, complying readily as he propped himself up on his left side with the pillow under his arm.

“Now this may feel strange. Doctor, could you get the lights?”

Instantly they were drenched in darkness aside from the glow of the machine and the monitor. She began to run the wand across Loki’s chest to find a good picture, her eyes pin pointing certain valves that lead to the heart. Every now and then she’d make sure to stay still and count the beats of Loki’s heart, and as Tony watched he picked the rhythm up rather quickly. This carried on for well over 20 minutes while the doctor and the nurse blocked the screen from view, murmuring quietly together for a few minutes at a certain point. Tony could feel bile in his throat and he began to fiddle with his own thumbs nervously once more, tapping his foot on the ground in a jittery motion.

“Well, boys, I think were done here. I’ll ask that you go and get some lunch, go kill a couple of hours, and come back here at around 3PM to my office. I’ll give you the results after I’ve conferred with my colleagues, and then we’ll start to discuss our options.

Tony frowned as Loki wiped his chest and the nurse pulled off the stickers, and stood to have a word with Doctor Hank while Loki tugged on his shirt. “Do you have any ideas of what it might be?”

The Doctor shook his head and sighed, tapping his folded glasses against his palm.

“I’m not allowed to give out any information regarding the patient until the echocardiogram results have been interpreted. I’m sorry, Mister Stark, you’ll have to wait.” With that, he left.

Tony shifted uncomfortably and frowned, then took hold of Loki’s hand and began to pull him out of the hospital quickly without another word from either nurse or his partner. He craved air more than anything at that moment, he felt like he was restricted and he was drowning. The need was growing stronger, and Loki didn’t protest as he pulled him out into the parking lot, began gasping for air leaning over the warm railing of the barriers.

It took him a few moments to calm, and when he was he turned upon the other and slowly wound his arms about his neck.

“I’m proud of you, Lokes, you did well.” He murmured, then kissed him and gave a soft smile. Loki simply smiled in return and shrugged, his body still and calm. How he was doing that, Tony didn’t know.

They stopped for lunch at a nice restaurant in the centre of the city, a place that had the best pastries and very good quality sandwiches. They each ordered what they wanted then sat down in a cosy corner with a nice window view, causing Tony to take the seat closest to the bathroom door so Loki was under the air-conditioning unit. They didn’t speak much, but when they did it was irrelevant. It was clear that neither of them wanted to speak about the echocardiogram, and so it was abolished under the list of things they didn’t speak of.

They spent the remaining hour and a half walking around the high streets, casually window shopping hand in hand while drinking smoothies from a vender they’d seen on their way. Tony made sure that they took a cab back to the hospital so Loki wouldn’t be exhorting himself, just because sometimes he liked to fuss over him.

The hospital was relatively calm when they arrived, and the waiting room for the Doctors office was empty aside from a few children in their mother’s laps, and one young boy sitting pale faced by the door. One by one they entered the room, and left either sighing or mortified. In one case a mother of a seemingly three year old girl exited in tears, resulting in Tony having to clutch onto Loki’s hand while they both pretended to read the given magazines from 2008.

“Loki and Tony?” Doctor Hank called, causing both men to look up in almost surprise. Loki entered the room first and sat down when Tony did, opposite the desk where Doctor Hank sank down into his seat wearing a very tired looking expression. Loki sought out Tony’s hand and held onto it, giving him a reassuring squeeze before looking expectantly at the expert.

“Well, as promised I looked at your tests results and analysed them. I’ll show you what I found.” Doctor Hank turned around his computer screen to show the repeating image of Loki’s heart beating, black and white like an ultrasound images would be. It was clearly Loki’s heart, pumping fully and faltering only once in the whole tape. The doctor used his glasses to point directly at Loki’s left Ventricle where a little blob of white was shown, then paused the tape and sat back.

The Doctor sighed and ran a hand over his face, then pointed again and began to name things.

“This is Loki’s Right Ventricle, and that is a Myxoma. It’s a tumour that develops in the heart and valves leading for blood flow. It causes heart pains, murmurs, hard breathing and all of the other symptoms that you described to my colleague. I’m sorry, but it’s Benign Myxoma Cancer of the Heart.”

 

* * *

 

 


	6. The world is a frighting place when you're reduced to looking at it from a glass window

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's been so long since I updated, but I'm a terrible writer and I've been having family issues and motivation issues and such. I just haven't felt like my writing was up to standards, so again I'm sorry. 
> 
> I hope you like this chapter though, I put a lot more work into it this time.

Along with the many, many appointments that had been made, Tony and Loki scarcely found time to be apart. For the next month they had been rushing around, or more Tony had been while Loki stayed confined within the apartment. It wasn’t something they spoke of, in fact they tried to avoid the killer words such as ‘cancer’ or ‘heart’ or ‘dying’. It wasn’t something either of them were prepared to talk about, especially outside of the doctor’s office. The weeks went by fairly normally with Loki on his new medicine that stopped the pain for his chest, and the coughing that had died down minimally. It seemed as if the strange new medicine was to help him, and that if he was on the course for long enough he’d be better in no time. Obviously this was false hope but he couldn’t help but hope. They both knew the hospital was treating Loki like a Heart attack victim, just by the looks of the meds, and he knew from the list of symptoms that Loki had within the ‘what to expect’ list that it was a high possibility for him to suffer from one. That wasn’t something he was looking forward too at all.

Monday morning within the month of August, they had decided that sending out messages to their friends to tell them of the news was the best idea. There was no point in hiding it, there was no point in sweeping it under the rug and hoping that it would fade in time. Loki was dying, there was no two ways about it. Tony dialled the first number on the long list they’d made, and prepared himself for the speech he and Loki had both co-written. It was all mechanical, all of it. Not a word out of place to betray how broken and fractured both men were. Nothing to clue their friends and family as to how tetchy their relationship was becoming.

After the first five phone calls that each lasted well over twenty minutes, Tony sat back and swallowed hard. The phone was on loud speaker, and both he and Loki were speaking to their friends as they asked questions, demanded answers, asked if they needed help and pledged that they’d stand by them in tearful voices. Or rather, Tony had been speaking while Loki stared out of the large window wall as if he were catatonic. Tony really wasn’t prepared for it. He thought he had been, but he wasn’t. He wasn’t ready to accept the fact that Loki was sick. He just didn’t want to think on it. None of it made sense, especially the pace at which this illness had come about. Two months ago they’d been fine. Nobody had been ill, nobody was hurt, nothing horrible was happening. It was just Tony and Loki, finally on vacation from work and with the prospect that maybe they could get some alone time without the bother of students or work. It irritated him that he wouldn’t be able to get that now, and after the irritation came the small pang of guilt. He wasn’t supposed to be thinking that. He shouldn’t be more upset that he wasn’t getting the time with Loki he wanted, the holidays ne wanted, the sex he wanted. He was supposed to be angry over the illness Loki had, and more to the point worried about him getting better rather than pining away over spilled milk. God, he was messed up, and as he brought his hands back down into his lap and let his eyes close he thought over the past few weeks, right up until the moment Loki had consented towards telling their friends. It was all official now, there was no possible way that it could have been a mistake. Loki was sick, and that was that. Time to alert the media.

A warm hand linked into his own, and upon opening his eyes Tony saw Loki grasping his right hand. The feeling shouldn’t have been so alien to him. Years ago it would have thrilled him, it would have had him comforted and pleased that Loki had opened up to him in such a way. Now it only confused him. For the month they’d known of the cancer, Loki had refused all physical contact aside from the one or two kisses Tony managed to plant on his cheeks or the gentle pat of Tony’s hand on his back when he was in the midst of a rather large coughing fit. It was the same with words. Loki didn’t speak as much as he did. There was no banter, only work. It worried him and he felt as if a lead weight had settled within his brain, crushing him into nothing.

“Steve and Peggy next, I should say…” Loki said gently, his voice rough sounding. Tony nodded and dialled the number, simultaneously crossing off Pepper Pott’s name from above Steve’s. Pepper had been Tony’s friend since he met her in college. He and James Rhodes had been the best of friends, a trio that hadn’t separated since day one when they met in the same dorm. Rhodey had been his roommate for the whole time, and they’d even shared a flat together along with Pepper for the years after their first year at college. For a while he and Pepper had been a thing, but after a rather big bust up she’d gone to Rhodey, and in all honesty Tony had been happy for her. They’d never really stopped being friends. If anything it made their friendship better, and Rhodey had become happier as well. It took Rhodey three years to propose to Pep, and she’d said yes instantly. Tony had attended their wedding ten years back, and in fact he was sure it was their anniversary soon. Maybe they’d like a puppy as well?

The phone rang four times before it was picked up, and an out of breath sounding Peggy greeted them.

“Hello?” She asked.

“Peggy? It’s Tony and Loki. Are you free for a minute or two, we need to talk to you and Steve.” Tony answered as he instantly slipped into lecture speaker mode. He began to absentmindedly fiddle with his shirt with his left hand, playing with the hem between his thumb and forefingers.

“Uhh… Sure, let me call him. He’s in the yard right now with the dog. You guys are great, you know. Steve loves him. Hold on a sec.” They could hear the sound of the phone being placed down and put onto speaker, and the sound of Peggy moving to the sliding doors of their home where she called out for her husband. A few seconds later and the sounds of footsteps and heavy breathing could be heard, signalling the arrival of Steve.

“What’s up guys?” He asked them, and Tony glanced at Loki before coughing to clear his voice.

“Well we actually called to talk to you about something. We’d prefer to do this over the phone, it’s easier for us both. Uhh… So you know how Loki’s not been feeling the best the past few days? Well we went to the doctors and got him checked out, and we got the results back a while ago.”

“Oh yeah? How is he? Is he there with you?” Peggy asked with clear worry in her voice.

“Yeah he’s here, he’s alright for now.” Tony answered and continued before anyone could bombard Loki with questions. “It’s cancer.”

Silence greeted them as it had with the five other friends. As it had with Pepper and Rhodey, Bruce, Clint and Tasha. It had happened with their boss as well, which was the only conversation that hadn’t ended up in teary questions. Their boss had paused for a moment, and they had heard a stuttering of breath on the line before he’d become completely professional again and asked certain questions. It ended up with the two having the year off on pay, to which they tried to deny as they could still work, but he’d forced them to take it. That conversation had ended well, and so they’d been spurred on towards speaking to Bruce next. Each conversation was unique, but they each held the same pattern. Everyone was surprised, everyone was so sorry, and everyone offered their services. That’s just what he knew would happen with Steve and Peggy.

“Oh, Loki…” Peggy almost whispered, and he could hear her sniff already on the other end of the line.

“It’s treatable, the doctors said. We have a lot of appointments this month, and a few next month. We’re looking at Chemo and radiation therapy, and I’m making a log of everything that happens. It’s just to keep track, I’m going to make sure we both get through this. Honestly guys, we’ll be fine. We’re resilient.” His voice cracked and he cleared his through again, his thumb rhythmically rubbing over the back of Loki’s hand. For the first time he spoke up to their conversation, after looking blankly at the phone and seemingly staring into oblivion.

“As Tony says, I shall be fine. You need not worry yourselves.”

“Well yeah but… Alright. Just know we’re here for you, we support you both one hundred percent and… just, if you need ANYTHING. We’re there. We’ll always be there for you.” Even Steve’s voice sounded shaky, and Tony could hear the familiar rustle of tissues and a small sniff from one of them. He assumed it was Steve, for he stopped talking after that.

“If you have any questions we’re happy to answer them.” Tony said in a monotone voice.

“Yeah, now you mention it. Do you know how much any of it’s going to cost? Because we can help out, we have savings. We can help out here, really.”

Tony smiled slightly at the gesture. It was sweet of them to offer, and Tony wondered vaguely if it would be something they needed to invest upon. The costs of this could be astronomical, though Loki kept telling Tony he was on something called the NHS in England, and that it should help cover any costs if they moved over there. Tony wasn’t particularly keen on moving, but he would do anything that Loki asked, even if it meant donating his own heart for surgery.

“That’s sweet, guys. Really. I think we can manage, but we’ll give you a call if we need anything.”

“Good. How are you both?”

The question came as no real surprise. Everyone had asked them how they were, but each time they’d lied and told them they were fine. Stuck on brave smiled even though none of them could see them. It was only to make it seem more real, like if they acting as if it were fine then it instantaneously would be. Unfortunately it didn’t ease anything Tony felt inside, like the cold fissure running down his chest. After a moment’s pause and a lengthy sigh from Tony, he broke script and shook his head.

“We’re coping, Peggy. We can’t do anything other than wait and it’s frustrating.”

Loki looked up from the phone where he’d been staring blankly once more, and blinked at Tony as if he’d said something like unicorns existed.

“It’s hard, I’m not gonna lie to you… It’s tough and I don’t know where it’s gonna go. But we’re dealing with it.”

There was a light squeeze on his hand and Tony reciprocated, his free hand gently laying across the back of Loki’s to enclose it within his cold palms.

“Alright then, we just want to make sure you’re alright…” She trailed off and Tony bowed his head, sighing softly.

“Yeah. So we gotta run now. We have a couple more people to call and then we’re gonna turn in. You two have a good day, alright? Look after the puppy for us.” He smiled and had to catch himself before he referred to the puppy as ‘Tike’, the nickname he’d given him before they’d handed him over to Peggy and Steve. That puppy had been a tough one to handle and Tony wondered if it was the same with having kids. He supposed it was.

“Okay guys, don’t be strangers. I trust you’ll update us with everything that happens, okay?” Steve said softly, and Tony could practically picture them sitting together on the couch, holding each other’s hands and with tears streaking their cheeks.

Tony and Loki both agreed and said their goodbyes, killed the call and once again Tony sat back with his hands over his face. After a moment the hand Loki had left in Tony’s lap withdrew, and he found that he missed the comforting warmth now it was gone. They had a few friends left to call, and Loki had his personal friends from university back in England to contact. Tony let him call those people himself, and lingered in the kitchen so that he could make them some pancakes. He wasn’t the best cook, in fact he was pretty terrible at it. The first time he’d attempted to cook eggs and bacon in their new apartment he’d nearly set the kitchen on fire. The building supervisor wasn’t too happy, but they’d done no damage so it was a pass for them so far. Since then they either ordered food from the local take outs or Loki cooked. But in actual fact there was one thing Tony could make, and he was killer at it. Blueberry pancakes. God, they were to die for, if he didn’t say so himself. Loki had always loved them, and he’d always said so. Tony only usually made them if he was in trouble, or if they’d had hard days. It was something special that he liked to give him, and it made his day to see the other man light up at the sight of cooking food that he didn’t have to prepare.

Tony could recall the recipe his fifth nanny had taught him when he was ten by memory, seeing as he used to make them for his mom when she was upset with his father. Dad never got any, he never did anything to deserve them in Tony’s mind.

Mix together the flour, baking powder and a pinch of salt in a large bowl. Beat the egg with the milk, make a well in the centre of the dry ingredients and whisk in the milk to make a thick smooth batter. Beat in the melted butter, and gently stir in half the blueberries. He recalled it all perfectly, mouthing along the words as he went along. Tony even added his own twist and sprinkled a little sugar into it, along with the tiniest amount of blueberry juice before adding the half pack of blueberries as instructed.

He heated a small knob of butter in a large non-stick frying pan then dropped a large tablespoonful of the batter per pancake into the pan to make pancakes about 7.5cm across. He made three or four pancakes at a time and cooked for about 3 minutes over a medium heat until small bubbles appear on the surface of each pancake, then turned each one and cooked them another 2-3 minutes until they shone perfectly golden like the sun. He then covered them with kitchen paper to keep them warm while he used up the rest of the batter and finally served with golden syrup and the rest of the blueberries sprinkled on top. Perfect.

He grinned at his plated meal and hummed, dipping his finger into the syrup and then licking it clean before taking the plate and two forks into the living room. What he saw, however, had him pause and frown with worry. Loki was in the single arm chair with one of his legs up and folded under his body. The other hung down and pressed his toes into the carpet. His arms were both folded to make a pillow for his head on the arm of the chair, which served to bring his long raven hair over his face like a curtain. The phone was in the middle of the table out of the stand, and Tony placed the pancakes beside it quietly, and moved to squat before his lover.

His hands skimmed over his knees, then his thighs and continued up until one of his hands was on his arm, and the other was gently carding through the tangle of hair he hadn’t bothered to brush today. There was a faint tremor running through Loki’s body, and Tony could hear little sounds of laboured breathing that he assumed was to do with his condition, but soon found out was Loki simply breaking.

Since they’d been to the hospital, Loki hadn’t broken. Within the office, Tony had snapped and fired off question after question at the Doctor, demanded sheets and files and paperwork which were mostly given. He’d requested meetings with professionals before being kindly reminded that the Doctor they’d been seeing was a professional. Loki had done nothing but sit and stare at the image of his heart for a few minutes, his hands twisting in his lap before becoming still and moving no more. He hadn’t cried, he hadn’t protested. He had been the polar opposite of what Tony had felt, completely unresponsive. Tony hadn’t known what to think, and after a few minutes he’d composed himself enough to thank the doctor, and take Loki home.

Now was the inevitable. Just like his heart which was hidden, Loki had hidden his fear and his sorrow. He’d acted brave but was slowly cracking, and Tony cursed himself for thinking that Loki’s dry spell of not touching and not talking was nothing more than his inability to feel comfortable while so ill. No, this was Loki feeling depressed, lonely, broken and fractured. God, how could he not see how Loki was slowly crumbling? He knew Loki inside and out. He knew his quirks, the tricks he used to keep things from Tony. He knew when he was hurting or when he was sad. He knew just how to cheer him up and when to leave him to his thoughts, so how had he missed this? How had he completely disregarded the fact that Loki was there as well, and that he needed the comfort Tony sorely wanted. Loki was never one to voice his pain, and he was never the kind of guy to ask for help when he was down. There was proof of that in their past, especially in Loki’s own past.

He felt tears coming to his own eyes and let them fall as Loki looked up slowly, his own hand tangling in his dark hair and pulling as he left out a harsh cry. It vibrated through the empty room and startled Tony, causing him to sniff and jump up. He swung a leg onto the chair and behind Loki, then sat on the arm of the chair and pulled his arms around the other, bringing him closely to his chest. His hands frantically soothed up and down his sides and his back, as Tony slid down a little for Loki to completely lean into him. He cradled his head and his upper body, rested his cheek on his head and made little shushing noises that hitched as his breathing increased with each new tear that fell from his eyes and dampened Loki’s hair.

“Lo, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry… It’s alright, I promise… I’ll look after you, I’m not gonna let you do this by yourself… Just don’t hide from me, please…” He whispered, softly caressing the man’s arms.

Tony felt Loki’s hands grip into his shirt and stay locked there against his back, as if he were afraid of Tony leaving when he needed him most. Tony simply rocked them, his leg moving across Loki’s lap as if to encircle him with his body. It seemed to work, because soon after Loki was speaking in a rough voice, a voice so warn by sadness that Tony felt his stomach twist into knots.

 “I’m scared, Tony…”

It took a while for him to register the words, to fully comprehend that it wasn’t just him that was affected by the ordeal, it was Loki as well. Tony wasn’t the only one to be hurt by the realisation that Loki could in fact die. He wasn’t alone in the process of getting Loki better, in helping him to become who he once was. He wasn’t the only one suffering from the knowledge that Loki probably won’t be the same, that he probably won’t survive to see them both grow old. That had been part of the plan. They’d had a _plan_ and now it was ruined. Now they couldn’t adopt and have a family, they probably couldn’t get married or move to a house after retirement. They won’t see each other grow old gracefully, or their friends do the same. That thought his Tony in the stomach like a rock ball, and he took in a great stuttering breath before tightening his hold and kissing Loki gently on the head.

Tony felt his chest pain and his head ache. He felt as if someone had stabbed him and he were bleeding out. He felt as if he were drowning, and he gasped for air a few times before being able to speak at long last. His own voice was nothing more than a whisper, and he made a sound like a small whine after he’d spoken.

“Me too, Lo.”

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning had him waking up to the sound of the phone ringing. Tony blinked and lifted his head from where it was planted on Loki’s shoulder. His eyes felt heavy and sore, and there was a burning sensation when he opened them. Mostly it was from the light that cascaded onto the wooden flooring of the room through the window wall, but a part was from the saltiness of dried tears that clung to his eyelashes. Loki was beside him and their limbs were still both entangled, with Tony still sat partially in Loki’s lap and his arms around his body. He must have slipped down from the arm of the chair at some point as before he had rested his head on Loki’s but now he rested in the crook of Loki’s shoulder, a particularly favourite spot of his upon the man. His hand had clung into Loki’s baggy shirt and had creased the fabric which he could see as he lifted his hand away. That hand simply moved to Loki’s hip and settled there, gently fingering under the shirt as to get at the pale skin of his lovers hip bone. It felt better to have contact like this, so Tony continued to stroke at that spot as he slowly came around.

Loki was awake. Tony could clearly see his eyes blinking slowly as he looked up. His face was red and blotchy, streaked with dry tears from where he’d not bothered to clean himself up. Tony remembered that they’d fallen asleep after the little declaration of fear which had set them both into the right place. They’d talked for a while, but nothing was remembered. It was a blur of tears and red hot emotion. It wasn’t something he particularly wanted to remember, for seeing Loki so desperate and childlike was a whole other level of hurt. Tony wasn’t sure he was ready to see him like that, and he hoped to God that he’d never have to see him so damaged again. Of course, he knew it was inevitable.

Loki must have been awake for a while, but he hadn’t moved at all. Tony turned his head to where the phone was, just as it stopped ringing, and groaned for a moment before letting his head fall back into its previous place. He hadn’t noticed the light hand stroking his hair before then, the gentle curving on the back of his neck from the crown of his head. He sighed and leaned into that hand, causing Loki’s palm to stay still and his fingers to flex continuously through his dark locks.

“That phone hasn’t stopped ringing since half past eight this morning. I’ve counted a total of five rings, that one making six.” Loki said softly, to which Tony smirked and let out a stutter of breath in a laugh. It promoted Loki to laugh as well and soon both men were giggling quietly to each other. Tony smiled and nudged his nose into Loki’s neck, then pressed a gentle kiss into his skin and sighed happily. It said more than he could with words, and Loki reciprocated with a small shift of his hand up and down Tony’s arm where it had been resting, a warm and heavy weight that had him completely calm and comforted. 


	7. A Good Night For a Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Loki try to regain some normalcy into their lives after an atrocious fight that has cracked their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a beta now! 
> 
> Thanks to scienceandmusic on tumblr for being my beta, much appreciated!

Night had settled upon the small clearing of open field and trees. The sun had settled beyond the canopy and the only source of light came from the twinkling fairy lights that were strung up on every available surface. The tables were each rimmed with them and the trees all had stars hanging from them. Small jars of glow lights, each containing different aspects of nature, were settled around the field, some illuminating the pathway that lead from the venue to the car park. The dance floor had been set out, long and wide across the middle of the floor and upon that white slab were members of the family, the friends and the loved ones of the bride and groom. Upon a platform behind that stood a man in a vest shirt with his DJ stand, a good friend of the bride who’d given them a free of charge night of music for their big day. The tables were all occupied and so was the edge of the dance floor, guests all twisting and turning upon it or searching for partners. The bride in her white dress spun happily within her husband’s arms, safe and protected with such a happy smile on her face that, as Tony watched, he wished he was able to bottle it up and give it to them as a present.

Bucky Barnes circled around and around in the centre with his wife, his eyes only for his newly wedded bride and the smile that settled onto her rose petal lips. Her blonde hair hung in curls all the way down her back and little flowers had been pinned into the golden locks, creating the illusion that she was a nymph of the woods. Well, it would explain the very natural setting for their wedding party. Tony took a glance to the left from where he was seated by table thirteen to look at his own lover and found that Loki’s eyes were already on him. Tony had been fidgeting, his left hand tapping the tune to their wedding song upon the table while his leg tapped into the grass. Loki had been watching his movements, calculating his each and every move for what seemed like hours. Tony hadn’t known he’d been watching him, he’d purposefully tried to ignore the man for the most part of the night.

It was childish to ignore him, but he felt like he needed to. The ordeal with Loki’s heart and the costs of all the therapy listed had drained him. Tony hadn’t slept for two days after he’d seen Loki break because he’d been working. He’d been making sure that Loki had the year off as their doctor had suggested, he’d been making sure that all their appointments were documented. All their interviews with chemotherapy specialists and radiotherapy specialists and this and that and all of the inbetweens. It had drained him to the point of falling asleep on the third day. He’d been in the process of documenting Loki’s symptoms, writing down everything that had occurred like a diary. He’d been researching those therapies, the survival rates, the surgeries and everything he could get his hands on. Eventually Loki had found him in the study with his face pressed into the keyboard and a knocked over cup of cold coffee dripping onto the floor. There had been yelling and fighting, there had been a screaming match as to Loki worrying about Tony’s health, and Tony worrying about Loki’s, which made an abrupt turn into Loki having a coughing fit and Tony flustering over him until Loki had practically exploded. There had been a long speech about rights and wrongs, morals and stupidity and Loki had called Tony every name under the sun in an attempt to get through to him. It had ended up with Loki sleeping in their bed with his medicine stacked by his bed as usual and Tony sleeping on the couch, listening to the faint coughs and sharp intakes of breath that told him Loki had broken down again.

Was he wrong to want to save his boyfriends life? Was he wrong to be trying to sort their schedules out when Loki himself did nothing? Was he wrong to be the only one in Loki’s life that gave a shit and had literally devoted themselves to the guy in an attempt to make him feel loved? Wasn’t it enough? Clearly not.

Tony mulled this over as he averted his gaze from the other, pinning the happy couple with a stare that could probably have been taken for aggression or anger. In truth it was his mask and as Tony slid further into himself he saw motion from the corner of his eye.  The man in his green vested suit had risen and was turning to face him, picking at the cuff of his wrist before smoothing back his sleek black hair until it curled at the ends on his shoulders. Tony glanced up and then away to the side, pointedly keeping his gaze down. He wanted to seem self-serving and independent, but it just gave him the look of a chastised child.

“Stark.” Loki said. He hadn’t called him Stark since four nights ago when they’d fought. In fact, he hadn’t called him anything. Tony didn’t respond.

“You’re being childish.” Oh, now that was unfair. Tony didn’t have to look up to know that Loki’s shoulders were slumped. It was all in his voice. The man that carried himself like a prince was deflated, and it only made Tony feel worse. He bit his cheek and kept himself from talking, a small frown settling on his brow.

Loki knelt on the grass before Tony and settled between his knees, rubbing his thighs gently as he moved his hands up to cup the engineer’s cheeks. “Tony… Will you at least look at me?”

The pleading tone in Loki’s voice had Tony glancing up, and while he was glad he had, he also wished he hadn’t. Big green eyes stared back, watery and wide. They were sad and held words he knew Loki couldn’t say aloud. He communicated with a simple look, a begging look, a sorrowful and apologetic look. While both men had been wrong to some degree, there was no need to lay blame.

Tony’s own eyes softened and he sighed, closing them for a moment before sniffing and shaking his head. His hands moved quickly up and down Loki’s sides before going to his shoulders, and he bent his head to kiss the man on the mouth before standing up and cracking his back. Loki rose elegantly from the ground as Tony glanced around, hearing a familiar song playing as the slow dancing continued but more couples joined in. Watching them for another second or two, Tony blindly reached to his left and caught hold of Loki’s hand. He looked up and squeezed Loki’s palm gently, and began walking forwards onto the dance floor.

The sea of couples parted to make room for another pair and Tony found a spot right next to the bride and groom, secluded and away from other couples as they all twirled around slowly, holding onto each other and pressing palms to hearts. He turned to wind his arms around the other man’s waist, slowly moving until Loki began to move as well.

_“All your insecurities, all the dirty laundry, never made me blink one time…”_

Slowly Loki wound his arms around Tony as well, comfortably resting them around his shoulders as Tony leaned forwards and tucked his head against Loki’s chest. He pressed his cheek against his collarbone and his forehead into the other’s neck, one hand moving to take Loki’s and link their fingers together slowly.

_“Unconditional, unconditionally, I will love you unconditionally…”_

The atmosphere slowed down in time, just little parts of the song winding through their minds as they spun together on the spot. One of them was shaking, maybe both did, but it strained at their bond and gnawed at it relentlessly. Tony could see the tension between them, he could feel the break forming along the thin lines of their relationship. It was visible, like had the crack been in glass or in ice. It was like snow in summer, destined to melt and to drain away into a river.

_“There is no fear now, let go and just be free, I will love you unconditionally…”_

And as the song ended they didn’t break apart, instead waiting until everyone had begun to clap before they parted. Tony had to use those extra seconds to compose himself before bringing his head back up, finding that Loki was watching him with the same look in his eyes. Unconditional love, so strong that Tony swallowed down his doubt and lifted his chin. Subtle signs, small communications.

Loki took hold of Tony’s hand once more and brought him to the edge of the dance floor, taking him to a table that was empty, vacated by those who were currently taking pictures of the bride and groom. They sat, far enough away that they were able to speak in confidence but close enough that they would still be able to watch the proceedings. Tony pulled a chair close to Loki’s seat and sat sideways, frowning in worry.

“Speak, Tony. You’re… You’re keeping it all in, you’re not talking to me anymore. You treat me like… Like I’m already on my deathbed…” The look on Loki’s face was devastating. Tony felt his stomach do flips and his palms begin to sweat. The blood drained from his face and he clenched his jaw.

“I… Don’t-That’s not what I meant to do. I’m supposed to look after you, Lo. I’m supposed to make you better and I’m trying… I’m not doing it right. Am I… I’m not-“ Flustered and searching for the right words, Tony was thankful when Loki silenced him with a small kiss.

“You worry too much, my love. Tell me what you’re scared of. I can’t help you if you won’t let me.” Hadn’t they spoken of it? Yes. But not like this. Never like this.

Tony glanced around and saw Steve with his wife, both of them looking stunning as a pair, dressed in complimentary clothing and such. He caught eyes with the ex-soldier and nodded, his jaw setting in place. Once Steve had looked away after giving him a salute, Tony knew there wouldn’t be any interruptions for his and Loki’s private moment. Most people at the wedding knew what was happening to Loki, most of the night had been spent with awkward conversations that ended mostly in tears. It seemed that everyone knew when to back off from them though, and for that Tony was grateful.

“I’m scared. You know that, I’m… fucking terrified of losing you and- and I know that it’s, like, a really small chance that you could- d… That you could die during surgery if it came to that. There’s… There’s so much that we have to do, and I’m not- I’m trying to do it all and I’m trying to help you rest and I’m not- I feel like I’m not doing enough for you. I feel like I _can_ do more- No I can do more. I know I can. There’s so much more to do…” Tony cut off to catch his breath, only vaguely aware that he’d spun around in the chair and that Loki was facing his side, his arm around his shoulder and his forehead pressing into his temple. Tony took the other’s remaining free hand and held it in both of his own, tracing his cool skin and encasing them to warm it up.

“I’m… scared that with all the work I do, all the research and the money I’m spending… that it’s not going to be enough. That one day I’ll get a call at work and I’ll find out that you’ve relapsed or- or-or you’ve fallen into a coma or… or something that could mean I don’t get the same Loki back again. I’m so scared of losing you, that I can’t breathe right. I feel like my chest is constricting and you’re the only air I can damn well breathe. I need you with me. You’ve… you’ve helped me more than anyone I’ve ever known and if I lost you I’d… I don’t know how far I’d go to get you back.” The last words having been said, Tony sat up and stared absolutely in front of himself. His body was rigid, his shoulders square, and his eyes were flowing with fresh tears that left little wet patches in his red silk shirt.

Loki had said nothing until this moment when he’d decided Tony had spoken enough. It was clear that Tony was done by the clenching of his jaw and the way in which he held himself, yet still Loki was silent and Tony wondered why. When he turned his head it was to greet a pair of eyes that were not so different from his own. They seemed to bleed light through leaves in colour and cascaded tears down pale, mountain like cheeks. Loki said nothing, but he didn’t need to.

“I don’t want you to die, I don’t want to have to live without you…” Tony fell silent again. His hands didn’t move, his body was still rigid, his eyes overflowing with tears he couldn’t bother to try and keep in anymore.

Equally as tired, Loki leaned forward until his head was resting on Tony’s shoulder. He took a sharp intake of breath through his nose and pulled their chairs closer together, then laced his free hand around Tony’s back to rest on his shoulder. Tony turned his head to the side to kiss Loki’s head softly, his eyes squeezing shut as he fought to get a hold on himself and stop the crying. Eventually he managed to, and for a while they simply sat together, slumped into each other’s bodies, until the party became too much and they took their leave to go home.

After all, home is where the heart is.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, more will come soon. This is a WIP, comments are welcome.


End file.
